ONE YEAR ALCOHOL-FREE: The Life I Was Afraid I Would Miss

One year ago, I made the decision to stop drinking alcohol.

But as I went back and read through select journal entries from the months leading up to that decision, I realized something surprising. The decision didn't start on Day 1. It started months before.

In this deeply personal anniversary episode of The Pink Cloud Frequency, I'm sharing journal entries from January through June 2025 that reveal the internal negotiation, resistance, and self-awareness that existed long before I fully committed to an alcohol-free life. 

Over and over again, I wrote about wanting:

•  more energy 
•  more clarity 
•  better health 
•  greater peace 
•  stronger routines 
•  a more intentional life 

And yet, I continued questioning whether life without alcohol would still be fun, exciting, social, and fulfilling.

What I've discovered is that the life I feared I would lose was actually waiting for me on the other side! 

If you're questioning your relationship with alcohol, wondering whether life will be boring without it, or afraid of what you'll lose if you stop drinking, this episode is for you.

Because the truth is: you'll never know what alcohol-free life feels like until you stop imagining it and start experiencing it.

And one year later, I can honestly tell you, I wouldn't go back!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Good morning. Good morning, everyone. Welcome back to the Pink Cloud Frequency. I am your host, Brianna Wynn. Thank you for joining me. So today's episode is going to be a little bit different because as this episode is released, I am celebrating one full year alcohol free. And while I considered doing an episode about how I quit drinking or everything that's changed over the last year, I found myself being pulled in a different direction. And a few weeks ago, I went back and started reading through my journals from the months leading up to my decision to stop drinking. And honestly, what I found surprised me. Because when I think about my alcohol-free journey now, it's easy to look back at the day I started, or the day I stopped, I should say, and the day that I count from. But what I realized reading those entries is that the decision to quit drinking didn't start on one specific date. It started months before, even years, actually. Page after page, I found myself writing the same things. I wanted more energy. I wanted more clarity, better health, more peace, more consistency, a deeper connection to myself. And over and over again, I found myself questioning the role alcohol was playing in my life. What struck me wasn't that I struggled to quit because I didn't. That part was easy. It was how long I knew that I wanted to before I would fully commit to that decision. I knew I felt better without alcohol. I knew I was more productive without alcohol. I knew I was happier without alcohol. I knew I was showing up for myself more consistently without alcohol. And yet I kept negotiating. Just one more weekend, just one more event, one more vacation, one more special occasion. I wasn't necessarily afraid of quitting alcohol. I was more afraid of what life would look like without it. Would I still have fun? Would I still enjoy vacations? Would I still feel like myself? Would I still miss out? Would life become smaller? What I want to share with you today is that for months I was asking myself those questions without ever giving myself the opportunity to discover the answers. So, in honor of one year alcohol free, I'm going to take you back through some of those journal entries and through some of those patterns I couldn't see at the time, the resistance I had to letting alcohol go, and the clues that were showing me what I needed to do and the decision that I needed to make long before I actually made it. So this episode is different. It's not as much about one year without alcohol as it is about what becomes possible for you when you stop imagining what life might be like and you finally allow yourself to experience it. So if you're listening today and you're questioning the role that alcohol plays in your life, I hope that you'll see a little bit of yourself in these journal entries as well. So starting at January 20th, 2025, which is about six months before I quit drinking, I wrote, I'm in the process of changing my habits, reading again, eating healthy, and soon I'll get back to the gym. I'm also taking a break from alcohol. It can be so consuming as well as repetitive. I also notice that I drink to relieve stress. I want to be healthy again and have the mental clarity to make decisions aligned with my heart. January 22nd. Today is Wednesday. After getting a late start, finally, I am now sipping my coffee, enjoying the quiet. It's a messy, cold winter day, but I'm thankful for it nonetheless. I made a decision to change my daily habits this year, not just for the first three to four months of the year, but to really reflect and be open to shifting my mindset. Eating healthy, exercising, and refraining from alcohol are important. But what's more important is being someone that I love, keeping an eye on the bigger picture, having faith in God, being patient and understanding, and being easygoing. January 27th. I'm feeling motivated and optimistic. I did drink Thursday through Saturday and enjoyed it. But I won't drink again until Friday for a mom's night out, if I do. I need to focus on my growth. So even if I don't take a hard stop, I certainly I certainly will be taking a hard pause and not allowing it to be a daily habit. January 28th. Starting off another day happy, healthy, and energized. So it's clear from these January entries alone that I was aware alcohol had become more of a habit and more a form of stress relief. I was also aware that in order to shift to more healthy habits, I had to remove alcohol. I knew all of this before quitting, but it would take me a whole other six months before I made that decision. So moving forward to February. February 3rd. I had a great weekend. It was nice to spend time with the moms Friday night. We had a great time, but I definitely paid for it Saturday in the form of a day wasted and a headache. February 6th. I am thankful for not focusing on drinking. It's been six days and I'm not even craving a drink. I'm not quitting or anything, but I am definitely not prioritizing alcohol mentally, physically, or financially. February 7th. Today is day seven alcohol free, though I'm not really even counting. I just know I haven't drank since last Friday. I'm considering having a drink for the Super Bowl, but we'll see. February 11th. I did drink that day, I was referring to the Super Bowl, and the days prior, but not beating myself up over it. Just trying to maintain some balance with what I enjoy and what is good for me. February 14th. One of the affirmations I wrote was I am healthy, nutritious, and alcohol free. So the February entries are they are interesting because it's obvious that I felt that in order to have fun, alcohol had to be included. I was still heavily invested in the idea that in order to hang out with other moms, in order to watch the Super Bowl or do anything social, I needed to drink. The thought of not drinking at any of those events didn't occur to me. And on the other side, the costs of drinking are clear. The wasted day, the headache, the guilt that I was trying to absolve. It's obvious that my thoughts and goals were centered around alcohol, even as I'm writing daily almost, that it's not going to be a priority. And that I'm not going to focus on it. But all I'm doing is focusing on it. So March. March 7th. It's amazing how productive I can be, usually without alcohol. I enjoy the lightheartedness of a few drinks. I really do. At the same time, I struggle with feeling like it's no longer my identity or who I want to be long term, and there is no balance. I'm either drinking two or three nights per week, or not at all. While some mornings I may wake up with vitality, other mornings I am sluggish and only do what I'm in the mood to do, but not necessarily what I want to do or need to do. So overall, it would be best to cut out completely while I find my road to something greater. I won't drink again after this weekend. It seems as if there is something missing that I can't locate with an alcohol-induced mindset. March 12th. Today is day four, and my business idea is to create a line of non-alcoholic drinks. Some do exist, but also a non-alcoholic bar, a place where sober people can gather and socialize. This will require a lot more research. March 14th. March 17th. Happy Monday. Another week back to it. I have one small chapter left to finish this book. Then I will begin Let Them by Mel Robbins. I am on track with my reading goal of at least one book per month. I haven't drank since last Saturday. And other than maybe one slight urge, I haven't even been tempted to drink. I'm thankful to wake up energized and with clarity. I'm able to make Lucas breakfast, be on time, not rush around, not be annoyed that there's actual work at my job. March 19th. It's been over a week since I've drank. 11 days, I believe. I've been in moods where I've wanted to, but then wake up the next morning feeling good and thankful for the mental clarity, fresh breath, and the ability to do what I need without feeling sluggish. I've been eating healthy, using the mini stepper every day, reading every day, listening to financial literacy on the radio. March 25th. Then I was having anxiety. On top of it, I just drank for days in a row. SMH. I can go so long, but the moment I have one, I want another. So that was day 12. Now it's back to day two. Ultimately, I'm not going to beat myself up. I know being alcohol free would be best for me. And at this point, I believe it's a health issue. My chest feels tight a lot. Even when I drink a shot, it hurts. So the March entries is when we really start to notice the compound effects of not drinking. I am talking about cooking, saving money, reading, business ideas, supplements, wellness, routine, self-care, even down to, you know, my teeth being brushed, my clean mouth. And if you know me, you know I'm obsessed with dental hygiene. I floss and brush my teeth. I can't even tell you how many times a day. But when you're drinking and you wake up with that nasty taste in your mouth, it doesn't matter. I brush my teeth all the time. It doesn't matter. It's those little things that you just become so thankful for. I remember that feeling. Like I said, I almost felt like I was allergic to wine. I would take a shot immediately, I would wince. Like, I don't think that's a that's normal, you know, but when you drink, you're just so used to it. You normalize it. And not only that, I had specifically said how I drank again and then I was waking up with anxiety. And that's one of those things that you don't necessarily correlate the anxiety that you're feeling with drinking because you just assume it's par for the course. You're a mom, you've got responsibilities, you've got all these things hanging over your head. And at times it can feel overwhelming. You start feeling anxious about what you have to do, but you assume that that's just part of everyday existence. And it's not actually. So the March or yes, the March entries are just they just beautifully demonstrate the compound effects of being alcohol free. Every little aspect of my life slowly got better. And whenever I returned to drinking, I wanted to keep drinking. And when I look at these entries, it was so that was, yeah, March 25th was the last journal entry until May 14th. So an entire month and a half more than that, I did not journal at all. And clearly at this time, I'm going back and forth in my head, right? It's clear from January that this is something that I'd been considering doing. I wanted to get healthier. I wanted to do this. And you see that struggle in the entries. So May 14th, I want to make sure I'm going at least five consecutive days each week without alcohol, and two days at most with. Aside from that unhealthy choice, I've been exercising in the morning on my mini stepper. It has made a significant difference in my booty. Finally, some lift. I have been eating healthier and more conscious of portion sizes, as well as not eating dessert frequently. I'm going to order some new supplements. Magnesium and apple cider vinegar to help with cognitive health, sleep, and appetite metabolism. Overall, I do feel good. May 27th. I decided to start a new routine today. Hot lemon water with honey for my first drink. Next, my shake, which I'm drinking now. Women are supposed to eat within 30 minutes of waking. So I'm not quite at 30, but still better than waiting three to four hours. Next, I'll have my coffee, which I've been drinking without creamer. And then breakfast, and then I'll proceed with my day. I did not drink yesterday, and I would like that to be the start of an alcohol-free journey. Even 30 days. I just need to regroup and refocus. Alcohol ties into anxiety, and anxiety is so debilitating. Plus, there are so many non-alcoholic beverages out there that I could substitute. This is a constant area that I revisit and try to revise, manage, etc. So it would be best to remove it altogether and get back in touch with myself without alcohol. May 28th. I'm on day three, no alcohol. So hopefully, and I had crossed out, hopefully, I am looking forward to more positive changes for my health. I can't wait to buy more supplements and do things like red light therapy. So again, my May entries were more proof of something I wasn't fully willing to admit. The version of me I was trying to become kept showing up when alcohol was absent. The real cost wasn't hangovers or money or calories, even though those are certainly considerations. The real cost for me was the version of myself waiting on the other side. And looking back, I can see I wasn't afraid of quitting alcohol per se. I was afraid of who I'd have to become if I did. And I was afraid of shifting my identity and seeing myself as a non-drinker because I was so used to my identity as a drinker. We spend so much time imagining what life without alcohol will be like, and we never actually give ourselves the chance to fully experience it. And alcohol still took up that space, right? Seeing it as fun, relaxation, reward, vacation, celebration. But you can see that my lived experience without alcohol was consistently better than with alcohol. June 11th. It's so nice to prioritize self-care. That's hard to do if I'm consumed by toxicity. I'm not counting, but if I was, it would be day four of alcohol free. I keep saying I need to take a break and/or cut it out completely. So perhaps I will be done until my Nashville trip, which is July 4th. I need to buy some alcohol alternatives, as that would be helpful for if and when I experience cravings as well as socially. I really do enjoy winding down with a beverage, but I more so enjoy peace, clarity, my memory, and being available for Lucas, hangover free mornings, etc. Also, my skin looks so young and rejuvenated. In a way, it feels like I am trying to convince myself on paper that alcohol is good because in a way it's like I'm not leaving it alone. I'm saying, okay, if I can take a break now, I can drink when I get to Nashville. Again, the idea of needing the drink to socialize was heavily embedded within me. And for that reason, because I had to justify that and I couldn't come to the Conclusion at that point that I didn't actually need it. I'm writing on paper about how I really like it, you know, being able to wind down. But then on the other hand, I'm also highly aware of the fact that I enjoy my peace and my clarity and my availability and my hangover free mornings. I'm clearly saying that those two things cannot coexist. So if you're listening to this and you are still negotiating with alcohol, if you're wondering what you'll lose, wondering if life will be boring, wondering if you'll still be yourself, wondering if you'll still have fun or if you'll make it through a vacation or a holiday, and wondering if you'll ever stop thinking about it. I completely understand. Because I spent months wondering the same things. I spent months in a state of consideration and negotiation and trying to convince myself that I needed something that I'm actively journaling how I don't, how much better my life is without it. So the last entry I'm going to share is June 18th, 2025. Happy Wednesday. Today is day one. I have made the decision not to drink. But rather than be on the fence about it, now I'm fully conscious of this decision because it means stepping into a new life. A life of achievements, of clarity, of good decisions, of remembering everything, of choosing myself, of beautiful skin, of better relationships. Sure, I may drink again in the future, perhaps on special occasions, but by then I may not even want to. Right now, my focus is on not drinking until Nashville. So that's 16 days away. Last night I debated back and forth. Do I, don't I? And the hockey finals were on. And then I looked at the NBA playoff schedule, and no other day to drink was conducive to my schedule. As crazy as that sounds, I enjoyed watching the Panthers win the Stanley Cup. I then cash apped Lucas for walking the dog. He should have done this for free, and ordered a Domino's pizza that I never received. Don't remember either of those things. It's like I get excited by the idea of being intoxicated to do the same things I would do if I wasn't. Sure, lots of good memories drinking, but lots of bad ones too. Lots of hangovers, of praying to God, of being sick, of laying naked on the bathroom floor, of saying things I shouldn't, of having blotchy red skin, of alcohol seeping from my pores, and of throwing up. When I moved into this apartment, I knew it was what I needed: a fresh start, a cross breeze, a porch to read and drink coffee on, etc. I actually feel good about not drinking alcohol, not setting myself up for breast or liver or pancreatic cancer, not butt dialing anyone in the middle of the night. I'm happy to reclaim myself. Thank God for allowing me to have a last night of drinking in the peace of my home, watching the game and not making me hung over today. Because if I was hung over, I wouldn't have followed my routine or come to this conclusion. So thank you, God. I know he wants me to be a non-drinker as well. I know in order to reach my my potential and the life I long for, I need to stop. And it's so weird, but I am so energized. My sober-ish drops will arrive on Monday. So if there's a time I need a little feeling, I will try that. Everything happens for a reason. I used my brother's HBO to watch the sports playoffs. I started watching, and just like that, a spinoff of sex in the city. In the series, Miranda gets carried away with drinking and buys a book, How to Quit Like a Woman. The book I purchased and am in the midst of reading now. And I relate to the author. I'm not an AA hi I'm an alcoholic. Because who really is? Alcohol is poison. Do some people just digest poison better than others? I'm not living a life in misery. I am choosing not to drink. I'm beginning the life I was meant to live without toxins. I will save more money, travel more, be healthier, practice more wellness, go on a wellness retreat, be more present in my life, and for Lucas. Honestly, I wish I could say from that day forward that it was a struggle. But it wasn't. But I realize it's because the struggle was in all the days in the months leading up to that decision. Living an alcohol-free lifestyle has been the most easy-going, minimal stress, carefree life I could have ever chosen. And I'm so, so thankful that I did. But I had to make that decision before I could truly experience it. And the funny thing is, I ordered those soberish drops because I thought I might need them. And they're still unopened in my kitchen drawer. I hang on to them because it reminds me of that fear, the planning, the uncertainty, the backup plan, and the belief that alcohol still held some power. But once you release the idea that you need to have alcohol to drink alcohol to have fun, that alcohol is part of who you are, then you don't need a backup plan. I don't drink alcohol, but I also don't do drugs. I don't take any mind-altering substances because I am fully in love with and invested in my life today. I was so terrified that I would miss out on something. But I quit drinking. I went to a Morgan Wallen concert a few days after I returned from London. I went to birthday parties. I celebrated, I laughed, I connected. And alcohol wasn't required for any of it. The truth is that you will never know what life feels like without alcohol until you stop imagining it and you start experiencing it. And one year later, I can honestly tell you, I would never go back. So thank you so much for listening today. I hope that you may see yourself in some way in some of these entries. And it's just so close and near and dear to me. And I appreciate you listening and coming on this journey. And I hope that you are inspired to make better decisions for yourself, whether that means you quit drinking or maybe you start a new career, you embark on a new opportunity. But the point is, is you get out of the consideration phase and you make the decision. Because once you make the decision, is when everything else begins. So have a wonderful day today. I will talk to you guys next week. Thank you so much for listening again. Please consider leaving a five star writ review if you have not already. And follow the show if you aren't already. Thank you guys.